A Lesson On Interracial Dating (w/ new revision)

First of all, RIP Steve McNair. Secondly, don't let the title mislead you. No, I am not about "tear Air McNair a new one" about keeping up a relationship or sleeping with a woman of a different race. Infidelity is wrong, period. The woman's race doesn't make it any better or any worse. One has to be seriously ignorant to make comments like the ones I have heard since the story broke, like "That's what happens when you get with a white girl!" First of all, she's not white. Judging by her name, Sahel Kazemi, and skin tone - one can easily surmise that she is, most likely, of Middle Eastern descent. The issues that most likely led to his death were male/female issues and, as far as I'm concerned, do not have a racial context whatsoever.

If you couldn't tell from the above disclaimer, I am getting rather sick and tired of people acting as if Steve McNair's cardinal sin was being in a relationship with a woman of a different ethnicity. He shouldn't have cheated, and if you've been following the story and reading between the lines like I have, you probably reached the same conclusion. Here's the theory, either one of these two things happened.
#1 - He told her all kinds of things in order to sleep with her, leading her to think that she was really in a loving and long-lasting relationship although she was not. He may have finally said something to her (either in a fit of rage or a drunken stupor) that let her know that she was in an unbalanced relationship and that he didn't really care for her like she thought he did. For a 20 year old young lady like her, this may have turned her world upside down, as her nephew has told police that she was looking to sell her furniture and expected to move in with him and marry him. Sex is a powerful thing, and some people can not handle it when they realize that there are absolutely no strings attached to it (which is one of many reasons that I advocate abstinence - you may not be popular, but you won't be dead, either). That realization may have set her off and sent her on her suicidal rampage.
#2 - Ever seen the movie Unfaithful? This is like Unfaithful with a twist. In the movie, the woman who is having an affair decides to end the affair. However, she is too late as her husband has already gone out to find and kill the gentleman who has stolen his wife's heart. He does, and both members of the couple are left filled with regret for their actions (if you need to know anything else, go to netflix.com - that's all I know). Steve may very well have decided that he would divorce his wife and be with Sahel Kazemi. However, he may have had a change of heart and decided that he would instead go back to his wife and children. This may have set her off and sent her on a suicidal rampage.
*Update* While writing this, I came across an article that speculates that Kazemi may have suspected that McNair was seeing someone else (ditto, suicidal rampage, etc.). I'm not really in the mood to delete all this and start over, so it stays.

The lesson on interracial dating with context to this story is that no matter what color anyone is, it takes years and years to actually get to know someone, what they think, how they react to certain situations, and what they are capable of. People with sense don't find spouses in a few months, so why would they get into affairs within a few months? We don't really know people that we associate with, that's why it is important to be careful and most of all to honor our vows and commitments. Obviously, cheating can get you killed. I don't want to come off insensitive at all to the fact that a man is dead. Wrong or not, it doesn't matter. The truth is that we all make moral mistakes and missteps, some willingly and some unknowingly. He will truly be missed, regardless. I met Air McNair once while I was a second-grader at Bowmar Elementary. He just walked into our school while we were in the hallway and said hello to our class's assistant teacher. She asked him to take a picture with us, and he did. I cannot find the picture at all and probably lost it somewhere over the years. I would be a little more upset about the fact that I can't find it and post it here, but I got lost in the crowd when we were taking the picture so all anyone would see of me in that picture is both my eyes poking out of the crowd. My head is pretty much covered, as is everything else and you can hardly tell it was me - so the picture is not important. What is important is that the experience and the man meant a lot to me. As is usually the case, both mean even more now that he is gone.

** It has come to my attention that I did not go into enough detail about the interracial aspect of this situation. So here goes...
People have been saying all types of things, such as that Steve should have seen something like this coming because he dated a woman of Middle Eastern or Indian descent. They say this as if her ethnicity gave her a predisposition to such violence. Let me break it down further. Certain Sistas seem to be trying to imply that Black women are all perfectly sane and no other types of women can be trusted - or that a Black woman scorned won't kill a man. As I said earlier, this is a male-female issue - not a racial one. The saying is that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." It doesn't say Black woman, White woman, Hispanic woman, Native American woman, etc. It simply says a woman. Any woman. Case in point: Al Green - remember the hot grits episode? The story goes that his Black girlfriend wanted to be his wife. He decided that he was not yet ready to be married, much to her chagrin. That chagrin turned into rage and she entered the bathroom door where Green was taking a shower and dumped a pot of hot grits on him. People like to laugh at it now and make all types of jokes (as do I from time to time, I admit) but the brotha was hospitalized afterwards and suffered third degree burns. Most people end the story after she topped him with the popular (at least in the South) breakfast confection. However, she later killed herself. Sound familiar? I'm not done yet - there's more.
Sam Cooke allegedly got into a tussle with a Black woman named Bertha Franklin, manager of the hotel he was staying in. There's the scorn. What happened next? You guessed it. "Bang." She shot him and a permanent change did come shortly thereafter.

Plus, we all saw the movie "Set it Off," did we not?

So the ethnicity of a woman does not matter - if she's scorned, she's scorned and you wind up wishing that you were never born.
I understand what the issue is here, and why many people responded the way that they did. Interracial dating is controversial because of the circumstances in which the relationships occur, one of the most prominent circumstances being that Potentially Successful Black Man meets girl of his own race. She stays with him, loves him, encourages him, supports him and builds him up when things seem to take a turn for the worse. Potentially Successful Black Man becomes Succesful Black Man and it's not too long before he leaves the loving Sista he was with for a new blond-haired, blue-eyed companion. Kanye West chronicled this rather routine occurrence in his song 2005 hit, "Gold Digger."

"You go out to eat, he can't pay, y'all can't leave
There's dishes in the back, he gotta roll up his sleeves
But while y'all washin', watch him
He gone make it to a Benz out of that Datsun
He got that ambition baby, look in his eyes
This week he mopping floors next week it's the fries
So, stick by his side
I know it's dudes balling and yeah, that's nice
And they gone keep calling and trying
But you stay right girl
But when he get on, he leave your ass for a white girl"

Get down, girl, go head, get down. Wonder why that hurts so much, or why so many women react in such a negative way to it? Here's why. Since this country's inception, culture has pointed to one type of woman as the standard of beauty - the white woman. Seriously, slave masters putting their wives on pedestals and refusing to sleep with them outside of procreation purposes while running rampant throughout the slave houses at night (as in Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings, anyone?) are an indication of this cultural bias, as are so many covers of magazines, leading roles in films and plays, and now almost every rap video prominently features at least one blond. Such a standard sends a message from American culture to Black women that they are not good enough, beautiful enough, or feminine enough to be treated equally. With the Gold Digger scenario, Black men seem to reinforce this sentiment that Black women are not good enough - especially not after major success and the lucrative financial stability and comfort that it brings. I understand why this is upsetting, but there is a flipside.
For one thing, I have met several Sistas who tell me that they will not date black men, citing the stereotypical images of us as loud, ignorant, violent, aggressive, idiotic, irresponsible, and destructive as their reasoning. This self-hatred is just as bad as anything mentioned in the scenarios above, yet most Sistas don't seem to get quite the public backlash that many Brothas get from crossing the fence. Secondly, what about the Black men that aren't "cool" enough, or don't have enough "swag" to get at most of today's black women? What about the guy who's intelligent, has a slang IQ of 0, and a similar lack of knowledge about urban fashion? There's no glide in his stride, maybe he's not that slick with his words - but he likes Black women and he is polite and respectful (which is almost a horrible thing to be these days). Too bad he has all those things against him because he has trouble finding a date - his "game" isn't "tight" enough and neither are his shoes. So many women say that they want an intelligent, progressive man who knows how to treat a woman with respect and who wants to get to know her, not just what she's hiding in those jeans. However, when you actually see the guys that some of these women date, it's the total opposite. When that guy marries a White woman (or a woman of any other ethnic persuasion) and the Sistas get upset, is their anger justified? Sure, once these guys "make it," they probably can pull any type of woman they want. I guess the question then becomes - as far as successful Black men are concerned - is a Black gold digger better than a White woman who actually loves and cares for her man despite their racial differences? I think not. Furthermore, should every Black woman be offended and be "through" with Black male celebrities, other public figures, or otherwise successful Black men if they choose a woman of another race? Is every interracial marriage a message that holds large cultural and historical ramifications? Last I checked, marriage and dating are personal decisions that do not require our permission or approval. It seems that if we truly saw all people as people - equal people, with no one being any better or worse than anyone else, we would only consider the love, commitment, and understanding involved in each relationship and not the colors present in them. Despite feeling this way, I admit that I am torn as to whether or not I should feel guilty should I ever choose a non-Chocolate lady to love. Why, you ask? Because I know that I'm not stereotypical. I'm an intelligent, educated (I'm in the midst of my college education, but I think you get the point), well-mannered and well-read guy. I'm articulate and have plenty of ways to express myself other than violence or sex and want nothing but to treat an intelligent, classy, sophisticated woman with the utmost respect. I'm abstinent and will (although not now or in the immediate future) seek a wife. I refuse to be a "baby's daddy" or a surprised and agitated guest on the Maury Povich show, but look forward to being a proud husband and father of mine and my wife's children. Children with the same mother and the same last name, with characteristics from the same two gene pools. When I look at the fact that the opposite is becoming the norm for society as a whole - but even more so in the Black community - I ask myself, "Doesn't a Black woman deserve such a man and such a life? Doesn't a Black woman deserve to be loved, valued, and respected in the ways that I know I have been raised to treat any woman? Don't Black children deserve to know who their fathers are and to actually be raised by them as well as their mothers so that they can go on to be successful and prosperous adults with healthy minds and personalities?" Common once said, on his 2005 song "Real People"

"Black men walking
with white girls on they arms
I be mad at 'em
As If I know they moms
Told to go beyond the surface, a person's a person
When we lessen our women our conditions seem to worsen"

I go back and forth with myself about this one nearly every day, and I come to the same conclusion: We've got to do a better job as African-Americans of taking pride in who we are and treating ourselves and our women with respect. We've got to do better jobs of removing and destroying the stereotypes, popular opinions, and public perceptions that have plagued us for so long, or the guilt, pain, and shame that all-too-often associate themselves with interracial relationships will continue. Either way, I still refuse to put ethnic limits on myself as far as who I date, surround myself with, converse with, or choose to marry and would even contend that the fact that so many people do those things - that is, only choose potential lovers from one particular ethnic group - could be the reasons for so much unhappiness and infidelity in relationships in general as well as divorces in marriages, specifically. I'm looking at the nature, personality, and heart of my future lady love. The color of the skin is of no consequence to me. Fortunately, I happen to be smooth and charismatic enough to have a rainbow coalition of admirers and options and bask in the glory of such universal appeal. I also have the sense not to put a woman in a position to "show off."


***Yes, I know. Kanye could have gotten the point across without a half-naked woman. He understands - as do I - however, that most people don't watch music videos for the concept, art, or storyline. Hence, half naked women with large assets.

Fit For A King

What a sad day it was when we found out that Michael Jackson had passed away at the age of 50 years old. Half a century of music, dance, showmanship, as well as trials, tribulations and turmoil came to an end way too soon. His memorial service was something to remember, with the best and brightest stars coming out to show their support, fighting back tears as they spoke and sang about the superstar and icon that they adored. Some of the highlights of the service included:

Brooke Shields, who recalled some of her favorite memories of Michael.


Usher's very fitting and emotional rendition of "Gone Too Soon," written by Michael Jackson.


Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson (can't believe Michael Jordan wasn't there?).


Al Sharpton's speech - probably his best ever. He sounded ready to have A Dream and take us to The Mountaintop and everything else. Legendary stuff, seriously.


Jennifer Hudson singing "Will You Be There?" by Michael Jackson.


Jermaine Jackson singing Michael Jackson's favorite song, "Smile."


Jermaine and Marlon Jackson speaking about their lost and beloved brother, Michael.


Of course, at the end was the most heartbreaking moment of the entire service. When Michael Jackson's 11 year old daughter Paris stepped up to the microphone to speak.

She is certainly her father's daughter. Janet was supposed to speak, but instead little Paris displayed the same show-stealing ability that her father had. When she was done, the whole world loved her just as they had loved MJ. It was reminiscent of JFK Jr., who was much younger when his father was assassinated. The parallels are quite awe-inspiring. While we knew of both Paris and John-John, we were introduced to them after they had lost their fathers and fell in love with them because of their emotional, yet strong and courageous reactions. When she began to cry, her tears became my tears, as well as the rest of the world's. Everyone was united for that moment in time and had we been able to bring her father back just for her, we would have in an instant.
Overall, the service was beautiful, near-flawlessly executed (especially when one considers the time constraints) and was quite a testament to the life, times, and greatness of the Greatest Entertainer of All Time, Michael Jackson. His memorial inspired me to live a life worthy of such a heartfelt goodbye and glorious sendoff.

1. The absence of fatherhood in general, but especially in minority and low-income homes.

For one thing, it is fairly likely - in MANY, not all cases - that a man in the home with some earning power and ambition can keep his family out of low-income situations (however, some people try their best to provide for their families and find that they can only do so much). We need fathers not only to provide financially, but to also provide the discipline and structure that children need when they are growing up. Without this structure and a positive male role model in the home, children are left to seek substitutes, a phenomenon that doesn't turn out too well in most cases. These situations lead to unexpected behavior patterns that are really cries for help and for that love of a father. Don't believe me?
In his song "It's Your World" off his 2005 album, Be, Rapper Common said,

"My mother gave birth, but she really never had me
Left to the hood to play Daddy
Raised by niggas named Butch, Puda, Bebe..."

Don't believe him? Fine, don't just take his word for it, how about Lupe Fiasco, who in his song "He Say, She Say" off his 2005 debut album, Food and Liquor, wrote about the absence of fatherhood from the point of view of a fatherless young man?

"To be a man, she try to make me understand
That she my number one fan
But it's like you booin' from the stands
You know the world's out to get me, why don't you give me a chance?"

One surefire way to eliminate this problem is that we have to educate and empower our young people to make the proper decisions when it comes to sex. Having been raised a Christian, I believe that abstinence is the way to go, but the truth is that young people are experimenting very freely with sex these days. It's rather hard to teach abstinence to those who have already let the "cat" out of the bag (take that however you want) but we can at least offer tools for safe sex.The truth is that many young fathers tend to leave when they get the phone call, leaving their children to be raised by a single mother and other influences that are around (more on this when I get to #2 on the list.) I think most women have realized this by now, so it's time that we respect and love ourselves and our children (whether or not we have any yet) to make the decision to wait until we have achieved the financial and emotional stability *translation - a decent and steady source of income and TWO loving parents that all children need. The balance between the nurturing of Mom and the discipline of Dad are essential to every child.

Now that that's out of the way, let's switch gears a bit. Many young men are not fathers simply because their fathers weren't around and they argue that they don't know how to be fathers. This is a problem, and it is unfortunate.
Shaq's biological father didn't bother. He's still a success, and a father to his kids. President Barack Obama only met Barack Sr. once, and yet he is quite successful, a husband, and a father to his two children. In fact, he has a lot to say about fatherhood.

My father's mother was shot and killed by his dad, her husband, when my dad was only 10 years old. He still raised my brother and I and remained faithful to his wife. In fact, his two brothers, my uncles, are fathers and husbands as well. It doesn't matter what happened in the past, as long as we are living and breathing we have the opportunity to change for the better and make amends for the mistakes we have made. With that being said, young men have to realize that by engaging in the activities that create children (a.k.a. SEX) we increase the risk of having children and need to be willing to step up to the plate and be men if and when the time comes. Don't want children? Stay out of bed. That's the only surefire way to take care of it. Being a man means having the discipline and self-control to keep away from these adverse circumstances, or at least having the decency and responsibility to own up for one's mistakes and tale care of and make provisions for them. It's not about how many women you bed, it's about controlling ourselves and therefore the outcomes and situations that we create for ourselves and others. We need to stand up and be men, fathers, and positive male role models for the children growing up - whether we were fortunate enough to have had the influence of such men in our lives or not. We owe it to ourselves not to repeat the mistakes of absentee fathers and to continue in the tradition of those that were present - whichever applies.

I'm Starting Not to Recognize My Own Town

I'm going to mainly focus on national issues on this blog, but I have to say something about my hometown first, which ties in to a much bigger issue. I am from Vicksburg, Mississippi (yes, as in Siege of Vicksburg for you history buffs). Vicksburg is a pretty boring town, where most people know most other people and seem to get along pretty well (once again, there's a lot of history to explore and museums and exhibits and whatnot, but for most people my age - and even some who are much older - history is not the most interesting subject, especially when most of us have grown up around it, more on that at a later date). Or, at least that's what it used to be. All around me, my town is morphing - literally changing right before my eyes. Common decency is getting harder to find, and common sense has begun to follow. Conflicts last longer, tempers and fuses are shorter. The most trivial arguments lead to fights, people getting jumped, stabbed, or even worse, gunplay. Not only that, but the streets are less safe. Robberies are occurring more and more frequently, assaults, break-ins, and even murders are following. Just last week, the Vicksburg Post reported that the rate at which city teens are being arrested has doubled from last year. Yes, the town seems to be in the early stages of a turn for the worse, and while I still feel safe most places I go and do not want to be overly dramatic, I believe that we have to take notice and take action now before things get irreversibly wrong. Teenagers and adults under drinking age seem to be the source of many of the problems plaguing Vicksburg right now - meaning that my generation is responsible for the unwanted change that I see in my hometown (which leads me to the national issue). Across the nation, Generation Y seems a lot more reckless and ignorant than we should be. Los Angeles is boasting astronomical juvenile crime numbers, Chicago has had nearly 40 teen homicides this year alone. We're beginning to spin out of control, and it's about time someone said something about it. No one can really hold us accountable for these things until we begin holding ourselves accountable first.
Nas probably said it best in his song "Purple" off his Lost Tapes disc:

"These hot-headed youngsters
always gettin' in trouble
reactin' before thinkin', they easily irritated
and murder's premeditated
it's a fact that we sinkin'
when we should be climbin
in a nutshell
it's just jail
Drug sales, liquor and diamonds, niggaz rewindin
instead of movin forward, to blow up so what's the science?
People shoutin, police pushin the crowd
And on the ground's a young soldier, with meat hangin out him
Am I hallucinatin off the hazin?
Or did I just see a nigga shoot another nigga's face in
It's a ugly nation, cops circle the block with mug shots
Photograph pictures of, suspect faces..."

Let's explore some of the reasons (not excuses or justifications, mind you, but explanations) for what we're seeing. These are in no particular order, by the way.

1. The absence of fatherhood in general, but especially in minority and low-income homes
2. The stronghold that the mainstream media has on our culture, and our desires to be socially accepted at almost any cost
3. The resonance and reach of the "Stop Snitching" campaign (not to mention the absurdity). Basically, the mentality is as follows: "I've been robbed, but I wouldn't dare talk to police because I wouldn't want them to possibly arrest the person and recover my stuff. Also, others might actually stop robbing people if they knew that victims would cooperate in efforts to bring the criminals to jail. Wouldn't want that!"
4. Either our inability - or perhaps, our refusal - to think things through and consider the consequences before making decisions
5. The effects of the instant gratification we have always known from our consumer products and machines and the fact that many of us are beginning to expect the same instant gratification from people, relationships, disagreements, and the like.
6. The fact that many of us shun knowledge, refuse to read, and neglect to value education or learning in almost any form
7. The older generations do a lot more talking about us than talking to us, which simply leads to more resentment and a wider generation gap. This, in effect, makes the problem worse and prolongs the development of a solution.

There are many more than seven when you think about it, but these are the ones that I will address. Once again, none of these are excuses and when it comes down to it, we've got to develop and keep higher standards for ourselves and make the right decisions. We're capable of so much better. So many legal and social battles have been fought and won for us to live in the unique times and have the special opportunities that we have today. Perhaps because we did not have to fight for them and never went without them, we fail to realize just how important and special these opportunities are and how fortunate we are to reap their benefits. We owe it to ourselves to change this, rise up, and reach our true potential.

This is getting pretty long, so I'll break one of the listed concepts down each day until I get to the end.